Sometimes you don’t have a choice whether you want to get out of bed today or not. Sometime you just have to get going, hangover or not.
We’re not talking about a regular hangover, where you drank a little too much and can hide in your bed all day, ordering Seamless and wallowing in your own filth.
We’re talking about the hangover to end all hangovers. The Super Bowl Sunday of hangovers, if you will. This is for the days after concerts where you drank so much you’re simultaneously a little proud and a little disgusted, and you have to make it to work on time.
It happens to all but the most responsible among us, so here’s our guide to getting up and getting through the day. It starts the night of…
The ultimate way to survive work during a crippling hangover:
Step 1: When you get home, before going to bed, challenge whoever is in your closest vicinity to a water chugging competition. Repeat 2-5 times with pint glasses.
Step 2: Order drunk food. Nothing soaks up the alcohol like combatting it with carbs. I’m assuming, if you need this guide to fixing your hangover, you woke up to texts from the customer service rep at Seamless saying “Not answering… again? Can’t you just leave your door unlocked?” Moving onward.
Step 3: If you wake up naturally at the crack of dawn after heavy drinking, that’s because your body has metabolized all the alcohol into sugar, and you essentially pounded a Halloween’s worth of candy into your system. You’ve got a sugar rush going, and that’s why you’re up early. The best thing you can do for yourself is chug more pints of water and take a bunch of painkillers of your choosing.
Step 4: Sleep.
Step 5: Wake up at a more reasonable hour and evaluate your progress. There are really two options here. If you’ve woken up feeling okay, you’re either about to get demolished by a late on-set hangover, or you beat it head on. If it’s the latter, you can stop reading this guide. If you’re already feeling like trash, continue:
Step 6: Shower. I know you don’t want to. It seems like a lot of effort. It will make you feel better and cleaner. Put on clean clothes. If you’re dressed appropriately, maybe your boss won’t notice your killer headache.
Step 7: If you skipped step six (which I know some of you do), pack dry shampoo and deodorant in your work bag. You will need it later on.
Step 8: Apply the greasiest or cheesiest fast breakfast food you can find. I usually recommend mac and cheese because I don’t believe in society restricting when we can eat certain foods. Iced coffee too, but not too early, it upsets your stomach.
Step 9: Figure out the exact amount of work you need to do that day, and try to get it done as fast as possible, before the true misery and exhaustion sets in. Ask coworkers for help, if you dare, but just be aware you’ve entered into a debt you must repay when they need you.
Step 10: Pretend like you got sun poisoning from being out in the sun all weekend. Or that you’ve got food poisoning. Wait and hope your boss inevitably goes home early. Follow suit.
Got a go-to tip or trick we missed? Let us know on Twitter.